obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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