I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Randomize
