Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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