he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
