whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
