The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
i used baking grease as lip gloss
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Randomize
