Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
