I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
