I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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