Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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