I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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