she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
