i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
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