there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Randomize
