either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
It's official drugs can't kill me
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
