____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
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