I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
im holly from the hills drunk
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
