I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Randomize
