I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
