she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
