tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Randomize
