Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
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