just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Randomize
