Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize