i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
