Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
