If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
My life is pants optional.
Randomize
