Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
