remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
