i need an iv and a liver transplant
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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