Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Randomize
