There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Randomize
