somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Randomize
