I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
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