Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
