My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
