While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
