Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
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