I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
