if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Randomize
