Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Randomize
