they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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