did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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