she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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