Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
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It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
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