I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
