I'm sorry my penis didn't work
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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