all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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