Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
