and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
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