if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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