I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Dicks are not precious.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
