Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
