my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth