I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Dignity is for republicans.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Randomize
