Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
