what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
