life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
