One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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